Another myth is the idea that in order to be a happy person it is necessary to marry (or enter into a partnership) with the most suitable or ideal person.
From the beginning, it would be good to know that there is no ideal partner for you (a soul mate) or a man who is “the most suitable” for you (and you stubbornly look for him until you find him or Die)
The reality is much more prosaic: we can establish couple relationships with many people (consecutively, not simultaneously, lol!) Because people have such a high complexity that there can be no perfect match. It is true, some potential partners are completely inappropriate and here our sensors must be activated and well calibrated. Otherwise, if you are upset and you can’t decide, being a woman, for example, between three men whose pluses and minuses somehow place them equal, you must know that, whichever you choose, you will have a level of satisfaction. marital (or relational) almost identical.
Why? For two reasons:
Whether we like it or not, we are subject to hedonic adaptation. We adapt to new incomes, new jobs, new homes, new friends and, of course, couple partners. These adaptive mechanisms are deeply implanted in our neural networks and we have no way to get rid of them (but we have some control)
The quality of a relationship does not depend so much on the starting dates as on the deliberate, conscious actions that you perform and that can make the relationship develop, evolve). Regardless of who you choose, it will be necessary to do certain things, consciously (as well as him!) In order to have a happy relationship. It’s not like you found the ideal man and then everything is simple, spontaneous and easy (as they seem to suggest movies that do not go into the economy and the details of an everyday couple relationship)
Such a perspective on relationships, a realistic perspective, can not be to the liking of more romantic but even they, after a while (and a lot of unnecessary suffering) understand that reality is as it is and not as we would like to either, when I dreamed beautifully.
In the best relationships, routine and boredom are installed at a certain moment. Some people have serious reluctance to acknowledge this, predicted by the hedonic adaptation model. Fortunately, partners can do certain things to delay the onset of monotony or to diminish it, giving a new breath to the relationship.
On average, marriage produces an increase in the level of life satisfaction of no more than two years! Then “happiness” returns to the starting point, prior to marital engagement. And from an evolutionary point of view, it’s healthy for this to happen: think about what it would be like if your partners always felt a state of euphoria. They would neglect their duties and would always stay together, experiencing an ever new delight.
Passion cannot last!
For some, the experience of falling in love continues with a stage of matured love, called, in the literature, love companionship.
In others, the experience of falling in love does not continue with anything (they break up)
What would you prefer for yourself?
Norval D. Glenn, “Quantitative research on marital quality in the 1980s: A critical review.” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 52, 818831, 823 (1990).
E. Menaghan, “Marital stress and family transitions: A panel analysis.” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 45, 371386 (1983)
Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119?135